Should parents be their children’s friends?

Parenting is controversial. Everyone has his or her opinion about the best way to raise a child and on all the subtopics related to raising a child. One of the most controversial issues in child raising is the question of being a friend to your children.

On one hand, we have the parents who are their kids’ best friends. You know the type:

• They won’t say no to their toddlers, even when they’re begging for an ice cream sundae for dinner, because they don’t want to be the bad guy.
• They confront their school-age kids’ teachers, trying to get them out of homework, when they don’t want to enforce that their kids do it at home.
• They hang out with their teenagers and their friends, even going out with them to restaurants and movies – and, more disturbingly, allowing them to drink alcohol at house parties.

On the other hand, we have the disciplinarians. They can be extreme as well; they’re the ones who proclaim loudly, so everyone can hear that they’re not there to be their children’s friends.

• They get their babies on schedules as soon as possible, choosing to ignore their cries in favor of getting them to sleep on their own.
• They demand good behavior from their young children, some going so far as to use corporal punishment.
• They show little sympathy for their teenagers’ mistakes, expecting them to shape up while they live under their roof.

Of course, the examples I just gave are all extreme. One thing I’ve learned as a parent is that there is very little black and white. Parenting humbles you like nothing else. All my judgmentalism about parents’ choices pretty much flew out the window when I had kids of my own, with their own personalities who – gasp! – didn’t see everything the way I did.

So I’m not sure how realistic it is that there are actually parents out there who are 100% disciplinarians or 100% trying to be their kids’ friends. But I do know that most parents definitely have tendencies towards one or the other.

How would I describe my husband and myself as parents? That’s a tough one. I look at my relationship with my parents as an adult and I definitely consider them my friends. And I want my kids to look at me as their friend when they grow up.

But when I was a child, my parents definitely had rules and were actually quite strict with them. But the thing is, they were also loving. They spent lots of time with us, they enjoyed our activities, they genuinely took an interest in the things that interested us. And how would you describe those characteristics if not those of a friend?

 As my kids get older, I am finding them to be more and more interesting to me, and I’m feeling more that they really are people I can be friends with. When kids are little, let’s face it, we love them, but we don’t really love the things we do with them. Not so much on the endless rounds of peek-a-boo, the singing the same songs over and over and over, and the pretending to be princesses or playing dolls (Although I do admit, I love me some “Max and Ruby.”)

Now, though, I actually enjoy doing a lot of stuff with my kids. With both of them, I have a moment that sticks out in my memory as an “a-ha” realization that, hey!, these kids are pretty cool, and I could totally hang out with them! My ten-year-old daughter Alex has always been my reading buddy. From way back when she was a baby, she and I would grab stacks of books and cuddle together for hours on the couch, while I read to her. Part of the reason I’ve always loved doing this with her is my love of reading. And the only downside to reading all those picture books was that I didn’t have as much time to read my own books.

Alex was an early reader and one day when she was about four, after she had learned to read for herself, I put my younger daughter down for a nap and grabbed a stack of books and Alex and I got settled on my bed to read. After reading for a bit, Alex looked up at me and asked if we could still cuddle together, but maybe she could read some books to herself while I chose one of my favorite books to read. Um, yes, please? Best of both worlds there – spending time with my daughter while getting to read my own book!

My seven-year-old daughter Wendy has always been my shopping buddy. One of the things Wendy and I used to do with our mornings together before she started school was head over to Target and spend an hour or two window shopping. I let Wendy pick out as many outfits as she wanted, and then we would go to the dressing room where she’d play fashion show and model her selections for me. Then, one day Wendy suggested that we go through the women’s clothes section so I could choose some outfits to model for her. And, from that moment, I gained a very savvy fashion consultant!

Aside from the cool factor of having my daughters both want to spend time with me doing something we love in a more grown-up manner, their requests to spend time with me like this struck me, because I felt like I saw them maturing before my eyes. There was a degree of consideration in their taking notice of how much I enjoyed reading to myself and trying on clothes for myself.

Then there was selflessness in their suggestion that I do these things that I enjoy.

 Then there was maturity in their understanding that they would receive joy by sharing with me something that I enjoy.

What are those things if not friendship?

Of course I’m not my children’s only friend. That would be sad and damaging.

And I still fully embrace the responsibility that goes along with being a parent. I still control the purse strings, so Wendy doesn’t buy tons of outfits on our window-shopping excursions, no matter how much she would love that. And, although I am fully in favor of embracing a slothful afternoon of reading with Alex, she knows that after a few hours, she’s required to rejoin the real world and complete her chores and homework.

But sharing interests that are fun for both of us is one of my favorite things about my kids getting older, and I love seeing and experiencing the friendship that is growing between us as they grow up.

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